Underleying Tension
by RosieMary
Summary: Mulder loves Scully and Scully loves Mulder. But they're afraid of losing each other.


TITLE: UNDERLEYING TENSION  
AUTHOR: RosieReyes

E-MAIL: held his hand tightly, determined not to let go.

_He is going to get better. _I told myself, firmly.

It was then that I realised that I couldn't keep going on the way I had been. I had to stop ignoring what I felt. 

Disclaimer: The only thing I own of the X-Files are the nine DVD boxsets, any remotely interesting characters are not mine, I'm just borrowing them to have a little fun.

**UNDERLEYING TENSION**

_Scully- _

I couldn't take my eyes of him as he lay in the hospital bed. He looked so weak, so helpless. I owed my life to him, I owed everything to him. I could hear his heart monitor beeping reassuringly, and I didn't have to be a medical doctor to know that he was recovering.

I held his hand tightly, determined not to let go.

_He is going to get better. _I told myself, firmly.

It was then that I realised that I couldn't keep going on the way I had been. I had to stop ignoring what I felt.

Seeing Mulder so close to death awoke something in me. I can't afford to lose him. If there's one thing I've learnt during my time with the x files, apart from to trust no-one, it's that life is short. I have lay in a hospital bed in critical condition many times myself before.

If anything had happened to Mulder before I could tell him I loved him, I don't know what I would have done.

I don't know if I would have been able to go on, if tomorrow never came.

That's when I knew I had to tell him. I had to make the most of my life, with the man I love.

It was a week later before I worked up the courage to do it.

Mulder had recovered, and this was his first day back at work.

I was extremely nervous, even as I was in the parking lot. I was hyperventilating as I entered the building.

_Just keep calm, Dana. _I instructed myself. _It will all be worth it._

The walk to the basement seemed to take even longer than usual.

I tried to make my breathing go back to normal, without success. My heart was racing so far, I'm surprised it hadn't stopped beating.

It got worse when I looked at him. I had always managed to control myself around him before, but at my first glimpse of him that day, I felt like a teenager again. Cue the romantic, inspirational music...

"Morning Scully." he greeted me.

I wanted to answer him, but my throat was so dry.

Besides, I had to stop myself declaring my love for him the moment I stepped through the door.

"How are you feeling" I managed to choke out.

He didn't answer, but he studied me for a moment.

"Is everything okay, Scully" he asked me, seriously.

"Yes, it's fine. I'm okay, it's fine." I said breathlessly, and a little too quickly.

"Are you sure" he asked, concerned. God, he was always so caring. It made it harder.

"Yes - No." I answered.

"Which is it" he asked, looking more than a little confused. I don't blame him.

I took a deep breath to calm myself.

"No." I replied. "Mulder... there's something I have to tell you."

His green eyes never left mine.

"I - I love you." I finished. I waited for a reaction from him, for anything.

His eyes widened slightly in shock. He looked even more disoriented.

_Oh, please God, no._ I thought, desperately.

He cleared his throat, uncomfortably.

"Uh, Scully, thank you." He faltered. "And you know I love you too, but as a friend, okay"

It was then that I knew my heart had _definitely_ stopped beating.

"Yeah, uh, of course. That's what I meant." My eyes broke contact with his, ashamed of myself.

"Err... listen, I have some things I have to do today, and since we've not got anything big at the moment, would you mind handling the reports" I asked him.

"Sure, Scully." he told me.

_After all, what are friends for? _I thought bitterly as I left.

**Mulder-**

I sighed, my head hurt like hell. I couldn't believe that I had said that to her, that I was responsible for the hurt look in her eyes, the look that would haunt me forever.

I suddenly wished I had a large quantity of alcohol hidden in a desk drawer. _I couldn't believe I had said that to her._

She had caught me by surprise. I had loved her more and more each day since the first time I laid eyes on her, and discovering that she felt the same way should have been the happiest moment of my life, she was the best thing that ever happened to me.

_But I'm not good enough for her. _I thought. _I don't deserve her. I can't give her everything she needs._

_I'm a paranoid "Spooky" FBI Agent, who refuses transfers out of the basement because "I want to believe."_

_She doesn't deserve that, she can do better._

As soon as she had said those three little words I wanted to kiss her.

But I have been kissing her, In my mind, every day for these past few years.

She walks in to the office in the morning, I kiss her. She performs an autopsy, I kiss her.

She looks at me, I kiss her, anytime we're in the same room as together, I kiss her.

I wanted to make my deepest fantasies a reality, right there, right then. I wanted to sweep everything off my desk and make love to her, not caring about the consequences.

_But she can do better. _I reminded myself as regret swam over me.

I have often told her not to risk her life the way she does, on this crazy personal mission of mine.

_I will not have her die because of this quest._

And I thought, if we got closer, someone would harm her.

She'd be a more obvious target.

That's why I said what I said. It could have been phrased better, but the truth was, I was afraid to let myself love her, in case I lost her.

_Scully-_

I searched desperately in a bag for the packet of emergency cigarettes I hadn't smoked for so long. I'm a scientist and a medical doctor, I know the health risks. But they're my bad habit. The habit I needed to get through that. I struggled frantically to light it, then took a long draw in relief.

It's funny, it's always Mulder that drives me to light up. Last time it was because of "Detective White"

_Fake Blond Bitch, _I remember thinking.

I had totally humiliated myself that day.

Something that I promised myself that I'd never do, the day I joined the academy. I swore I'd be strong, to avoid heartache.

_But that plan doesn't seem to be working out so well._ I realised.

The fag wasn't making me feel much better, so I stamped it out.

I wasn't angry at Mulder. How could I have been, he couldn't help what he was feeling, any more than I could.

I was only annoyed at myself for showing weakness.

I thought about just staying home, feeling sorry for myself, but I decided against it. It just wasn't me.

As much as I hated the thought, I would have to face Mulder sooner or later. I had work that needed to be done, I was determined to get through it.

Another week passed by. The days all seemed to melt into each other.

I couldn't stand the tension that had arisen between Mulder and I.

The underlying tension, that had always been building since the day we met, that I was responsible for awakening.

I had unleashed it.

I went into the office, on a similarly slow day. I acted, yet again, as if everything was normal.

"Hey." he acknowledged my presence. I just sat down.

Sometimes our job isn't as hectic as it seems.

Sometimes, like that day, there are only reports to be filed. Purely office work.

Sometimes, that was good, we got a break from chasing the criminals.

But that day I wished we were out on a "Spontaneous human combustion case" or something similar, to avoid this uncomfortable silence.

I turned my computer on. I could feel Mulder's eyes scan the back of my neck, well, I could feel, it, and I could see his reflection in the monitor.

He looked at me so intently, I thought that maybe there was something there after all, In spite of what he'd said.

I'm not the only one who had noticed how well we fit together. I've been mistaken for his wife on numerous occasions.

Hell, I've even went undercover as his wife once.

The room was so quiet, Mulder dropping his pen broke the silence, sounding as loud as a nuclear explosion.

At last, I found some lab work to be done. It would keep me occupied. Nothing I desperately needed to oversee, but it was something to distance myself from Mulder.

I told him I'd keep my cellular phone on. Like he didn't know that. But he _had_ only called me twice this past week, and only when he needed to. A new record for us.

**Mulder-**

It was one week after her "confession" that it happened. she said she was going to a lab downtown to look ata piece of evidence. What evidence? We didn't even have a case! But I remember I was slightly relieved to see her go, the wall we had built between us was unbearable.

I was so used to have her working close with me, our vow of silence was unnerving. But it was worse when she was gone again. Making excuses not to be around me.

I could no longer hear the clicking of her fingers on the keyboard, or hear her rhythmatic breathing.

I have never had to face loneliness, not really, since Scully came into my life.

Now I found that I couldn't handle this isolation.

I had to talk to her, I had to put things right.

I took out my cell phone to call her. She had told me she would keep hers on in case I needed her.

Well, I needed her. I always have done.

Before I could finish dialling the number, my office phone rang.

I'm a strong believer in psychic connections, I thought maybe it was her, having the same thought I did, at the same time.

But I was wrong.

"Mulder." I answered hopefully, as I picked up.

"Agent Mulder, this is Detective Laurence." A person explained.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. Agent Scully has been in a car accident."

I closed my eyes in disbelief, sliding further down in my chair, willing it not to be true.

He went on to say that a scientist working with Scully earlier said that Scully had left suddenly, saying she had to speak to me about something important.

_She must have been thinking the same thing as me after all. _I realised.

I couldn't believe it. She'd been right with me less than twenty minutes before. This wasn't anything paranormal that I could investigate, or fight. This was a car crash. I was helpless.

I drove hastily (yet carefully) to the all-too familiar hospital. I headed straight to the room the doctor had already told me Scully was in.

She was still unconscious when I entered the room. She looked so beautiful, like an angel.

I walked over to her bedside, tears flowing from my eyes, like they have never flown before, even during her abduction and her cancer.

I sad down and held her hand, grateful for the reassuringly steady beeps of the machines around us. I could memorise her breathing pattern.

As I stroked her hand, I knew that anyone who could see us would know that we were more than partners. More than best friends. We were in love.

We had been for so long, and I vowed to make sure that when she came to, she'd know it.

To hell with my restrictions, we're meant for each other, and we should make the most of every moment.

I couldn't bring myself to leave her that night, not even to sleep in the waiting room. I stayed with her the whole time.

During that time I wrote her a letter. Actually, I wrote several, but the first six went straight in the trash.

_Dear Scully, _the first one read.

Then _Dear Dana. _Then four more variations of this.

Finally, I settled on the first one, _Dear Scully. _Words were never my strong point.

I explained and I apologised as best I could. But it wasn't enough. It needed to be in person. Maybe I'd show her the letter someday.

I had hundreds of things I wanted to say to her, I had them prepared in my head.

But when she opened her blue piercing eyes and looked at me, they all went straight out again.

"Oh my God, Scully" I cried. I hugged her close. I decided now wasn't the time for fancy words, now was the time for the truth. Remember I said I wasn't good with words? Well...

"Scully, I'm so sorry." I began, still holding her. "I am so, so sorry. Of course I'm in love with you, how could I not be?

I was just so scared, so scared of losing you. Everyone who gets close to me, they have a tendency to go away, but we're already so close, Scully, it's too late to worry about that. And we're fine, we're both fine." I kissed her hair.

She just looked at me. she had only just woken up, I hoped that she had taken it all in.

I took a deep breath and continued.

"Dana, I know how much it must have took for you, to tell me what you did a week ago. the courage it took. And I am _so _grateful. I love you, Dana."

She still sat there, just watching me.

"What are you thinking" I asked her, eventually.

"I'm thinking... I'm thinking we better start making up for lost time."

"Every second counts." I agreed.

"You owe me a week" she teased.

"Oh, it'll be more than that, I pay interest." I said, smiling.

I had her. Maybe I've always had her, but not like that.

I kissed her. And everything was perfect.

**THE END**


End file.
